Letting Go
by The Landlady
Summary: Harry has just defeated Lord Voldemort, But he is finding it hard to continue on living. He wishes he had fallen with Voldemort, he does not want to continue. Oneshot.


Letting Go  
Oneshot

He's gone.

When the others got to him, Harry was slipping into unconsciousness.  
Tired, and worn, but not defeated. Somehow he wished that he was. He  
didn't want to have to continue with this life. He felt disappointed  
that Voldemort didn't bring him down with him, disappointed that he was  
kept from seeing his mother and father. And dear old Sirius. Yet again  
he was forced to stay behind, to continue living without those he loved  
the most.

He could hear people around him.

"My god, look at the state of him." someone muttered.

"Quickly, we better get him straight to Hogwarts." another person said  
urgently.

"Harry... can you hear me?" 

"He's covered in blood!"

"Quickly, he'll be dead soon, if we don't hurry!"

Harry could feel strong arms pick him off the ground. No, he thought,  
just leave me here, I don't care any more.

It was half way through the Halloween feast at the school, when all of  
a sudden there was shouting in the entrance hall. The students all  
looked towards the doors to the great hall with curious looks on their  
faces. Before Minerva McGonagall could say, or do anything however, the  
doors flew open, and there stood Severus Snape, his black robes  
billowing around him, an urgent expression on his face, and in his arms,  
a very pale, unconscious harry, absolutely soaked in blood. Even as Snape stood there, Harry was dripping blood onto the floor. The  
hall went deathly quiet. McGonagall gasped, and practically ran the  
length of the hall, calling as she did so, "My god, what's happened to him?"

And Snape answered in a quiet mutter, that never the less rang through  
the great hall, "He killed the Dark lord. But not only did he have to  
first duel with him, he also took the brunt of the Death Eaters anger  
afterwards." Snape looked down at Harry with an odd expression on his  
face, "There's no time for details now, we've got to get him to the  
hospital wing... I don't know if we can save him."

Harry could see Sirius' face clearly. Sirius was laughing his bark like  
laugh, a twinkle in his eyes. Harry's heart was about to burst with  
emotion, with happiness, with sadness he did not know, but that hardly  
mattered. All that mattered now, was that he was with Sirius again.

His mother, his father, they were both there, smiling and laughing.  
Tears were falling freely down lily's cheeks. Harry felt tears of his  
own sliding down his face. Happiness such he had never felt before was  
bursting from him, Harry grinned through his tears. And he laughed.

"Any change?"

"No."

"But he keeps muttering, saying "Sirius, Sirius" over and over."

"It's been two weeks, why won't he wake up?"

Harry could hear the voices, but they meant nothing to him. Where was  
he? What was he doing here? Why wasn't he with Sirius? His parents,  
where did they go? Harry's soul was weary. He did not want to continue  
with life, did not want to be left behind.

"You lot had better get up to bed, you've got classes tomorrow morning."

"Night."

"What if he wakes up?"

"Severus, could I have a word?"

Unnecessary banter. It was useless for them all to be there. False Hope.

Harry opened his eyes. He blinked. He was at Hogwarts, in the hospital  
wing. It was pitch dark outside, Harry could see the stars glinting in  
the velvety black sky. Then realisation hit him. And clenched his heart.  
He was back, he did not want to be. He was forced to be left behind.  
Again. Tears slide down his cheeks, unnoticed.

Harry got up out of his bed, and walked over to one of the windows. He  
sat on the sill, and looked out, looked out at the world that he was  
destined to be in without Sirius. Without his parents. Without  
Dumbledore. Without family.

He looked up at the stars. There, hanging in the soft black sky, Harry  
could see the constellation of Orion. The star on Orion's shoulder,  
Bellatrix. Harry's breath caught in his throat. He looked to the left of  
Orion, and there, Harry could make out the constellation Canis Majar.  
The great dog. And at the throat of the dog, shining brightly, was the  
brightest star in the sky, Sirius. Harry's tears had ceased, but they  
had given way to something far worse. A numb horror.

Harry sat on the window ledge all night.

When Madam Pomfry entered the ward in the morning, it was to find  
Harry's bed empty. She looked around, trying to see where he was, and  
immediately saw him, sitting on the window ledge, his chin resting on  
his knees, staring out over the grounds, a forlorn, melancholy look on  
his face. He had not noticed madam Pomfry, who slipped off to go and  
inform McGonagall that he was awake.

Everyone can live safely now, I have fulfilled my duty.

"Harry!"

They don't need me any more.

"Harry."

Why am I being tortured? "Harry...?"

"Huh?" said Harry, suddenly noticing the little group of people.

"Harry, you're awake!" exclaimed Hermione.

"We began to think you'd never wake up, mate." grinned Ron.

"How are you feeling, Potter?" said McGonagall Peering into his face  
and frowning slightly.

"I'm fine." said Harry shortly. He did not like this attention. He  
would much rather be left alone. To think. There was a weight weighing  
him down... something he could not shake off. He turned his head towards  
the window, looking out at the grounds, but not really seeing it.

Harry was walking along the corridors alone one evening, Madam Pomfry  
had finally allowed him to leave the hospital wing, and he was headed  
towards the Gryffindor common room, where, he hoped, everyone had  
already gone to bed. Harry had taken to avoiding people, whenever  
anybody had come to visit him in the hospital wing he pretended to be  
asleep.

As he rounded a bend in the corridor, he ran into non other, than Snape.

"Well well well, if it isn't he famous Harry Potter." said Snape with a  
sneer, "Finally out of the hospital wing I see."

Harry looked at him, and Snape was surprised to see the tortured,  
defeated look in Harry's eyes.

Harry did not say anything, he just nodded, and continued down the  
corridor.

The strength of a father. The love of a mother. The friendship of a  
godfather.

All taken from him.

Harry Potter's eyes opened. He was lying in bed, it was the middle of  
the night. The room was silent apart from Neville's snores, which Harry  
would of at one point found comforting. No more. He can't find solace  
anywhere. What's wrong? It feels like he's lived ten full lifetimes.  
He's tired. He's weary. He wants peace. Where can I go?

Look out of the window. There, are his beloved Hogwarts grounds,  
sloping gently down to the lake. That's where I'll go.

He walked with a heavy heart, down the corridors, his feet seemed to  
drag. But every step forward, his burden got lighter. He did not have  
his invisibility cloak. He did not care if he was seen. All he wanted to  
do was to get out onto the grounds.

Harry pulled open the heavy oak doors, and took one step out. Freedom.  
A peace surrounded him.

And he smiled.

He continued to walk, looking up as he did so, at the night sky. The  
moon shone brightly down at him. A huge orb that was destined to hang  
there, until it too let go.

Harry continued to walk. There, in front of him, he could see his  
parents smiling faces. And there, was Sirius, beaming. They were  
beckoning to him. 

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Harry could hear the musical trill of a phoenix, a note that hung in  
the air. He felt stronger. Harry could now see the rest of his family. A  
little old man, tears slipping down his face. A woman, laughing. Faces  
were beaming all around him. He was coming home.

He took one more step. He collapsed. He was free.


End file.
